Since losing David in October, I have had many of those mornings where you wake up and you know that you have just dreamt about something, but then you can just feel it start to drift away from you, before you can sort out the details. That was how it has been thus far: waking up knowing that I just dreamt about David, trying desperately to try to hold onto the thought or image or memory, but feeling helpless as it slips through my fingers. A little over a month ago, however, my dream was different; I still can remember the images, words and feelings from those moments. I started writing this post not long after, but today felt like a good day to finalize and share.
David was back. Just like that, he had walked in the door as if nothing had happened. We were actually at David's parents house with his family and friends and everything and everyone seemed normal. I stood awestruck not knowing how to react as David seemed so nonchalant about his return. I didn't know what to say or how to act, if I should say or ask anything at all or rather just embrace the moment to have him back in our lives. I kept quiet for a while as we just sat on the couch watching TV and people moved throughout the house. Finally I turned to David and whispered, "Why? Why did it happen?" hoping, I think, for more clarity about those finals moments before he left us. And I got nothing but a blank stare. And silence. Then he looked at me like I was a crazy person (a look I know well) and said "'Why?' What?" I could tell by the look in his eyes that he truly had no idea what I was referring to. I didn't need to clarify the question or push further about his leaving us or his sudden return; I knew it would be fruitless and I didn't want to ruin the chance at having him back.
Then I woke up and just like that our moment was over. I didn't need to grasp at the fading memories of my dream, I could tell immediately that it had left its mark. It felt so real, so vivid. Yet, after all the times of helplessly pulling at these short dreaming moments, remembering and being able to recall the dream made it no easier, in fact I think it hurt more. For in those few moments of dreaming, I really thought we had him back, that through some miracle we had turned back time. Waking up I was thrown harshly back into reality, as I have been so many mornings before and since. I had laid in bed for a bit, just thinking, wondering what this dream meant. I came to think that maybe this is David's new world: he doesn't know or remember leaving us, he has no memories of that day or the struggles he faced leading up to it. Perhaps in his blissfully perfect world he is just hanging out and talking with everyone like nothing has changed. Maybe then too he doesn't know our pain; as strange as it sounds, I kind of like that idea. I have worried that if David is truly aware of what happened, then he may feel guilty for leaving us, and no one who struggled as he did should feel guilt. Ever.
In the end, these are all simply thoughts and I suppose it is up to me to choose what to think about this particular dream, along with so many other things. Today, I choose to believe that David is a little oblivious to what's happened, because today, that's what helps.
