Just Love

When you lose someone to suicide you begin to question everything.  Everything.  Beyond just the "why?" you think back to every conversation, every argument, every look, every moment, every piece of advice you offered, every word they said, every word you said.  You wonder what you may have overlooked, brushed off or made worse.  You wonder what you could have done differently, what you could have done or said better, how you could have possibly changed the outcome.  And I believe that is healthy and natural, a part of this long and painful process of coping and healing.  But then you must also reach a point where you understand and accept that as an individual you could not have changed what happened.  No single word or conversation would have made things turn out differently.  They just wouldn't have.  To believe you could have prevented this is to believe you could cure cancer overnight.  You cannot save people you can only love them.  And I did love David.  I do love David.  I loved David to the best of my ability both as a partner and as a friend.  But I could not save him.  None of us could.

David will forever hold a very large place in my heart and I believe that his presence there will allow me to love others more wholly, not less.  I have come to realize, or perhaps just hope, that David's passing has not removed a piece of my heart; it has not left a hole.  David fills more of my heart now than he ever has.  I can get up every morning and live life because of him, not in spite of what happened to him.  He is more than this physical world now and is able to share his spirit and love with all those he knew and loved more than he ever could have on Earth.  I know that he cannot save us from this struggle, this pain, but he can and will always love us.